Official site of Fast-Food Poet & Poet Laureate of the Principality of New-Utopia, Angus O'Mann.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Poem: Banana Roadkill

by Angus O'Mann, Fast Food Poet
A banana was struck
and killed last night
while crossing Windy Tor.
Police are withholding
the banana's identity
pending notification
of the next of

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Nominate the best line from Stephen Colbert's WHPC Dinner

I still cannot get over the balls of Stephen Colbert, and the brilliance of his speech at the White House Press Corps. Dinner. If you haven't seen the video, view it here online. I'm not sure where the transcripts posted, but I'll add that when I've got it.

What do you think the greatest single line or lines from Colbert's presentation was (there were many!)? Nominate your favorite line or few lines in the comments, and I'll put together a top ten list in order of "greatiness."

I can't stop watching the video. It's a great moment in history, to be sure!!!!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Egg & Muffin (Part 1)

Egg & Muffin did appear
Ha'way up Snake Hill Road.
If I'd chose not to walk, nor look,
Their story'd ne'er been told.

From the "What I Saw on the Way..." series by Angus O'Mann
photo and verse copyright 2006, Angus O'Mann, Fast Food Poet

Saturday, March 04, 2006

A love letter to Wendy

Wendy's International, Inc.
4288 W. Dublin-Granville Rd.
Dublin, OH 43017

Dear Wendy:
It's 3:44 am and I couldn't sleep (again) so I thought I would write to you to tell you what a great time I had having lunch with you today. It was another great experience... as always.

I wrote you a poem, which I hope you like. It's enclosed.I had kind of an epiphany of sorts while I was eating my spicy chicken sandwich (my most oft-ordered. I didn't Biggie Size today). It occured to me what we all take for granted. You greeted me with your smiling face. You gave me warmth from the cold wind. You fed me a filling hot meal. You served me Dr. Pepper, which is hard to find at some places. You provided a movie, a play for I watched and listened to your employees on stage. I used you restrooms which were clean. I listened to a Muzak concert, which included "My Favorite Things" (I hadn't heard that in years!) You provided a very entertaining E.T. activity sheet that prompted me to list the things I would bring to E.T.'s planet if I went there for a couple of days (very thought-provoking). I learned how to say "Careful" and "Wet floor" in Spanish. Consider all of that... And for all of that I paid less than $5.00. Tell that to your detractors and lawsuit-mongers!

I have some ideas for how you can integrate poetry into your operation to increase shareholder value, but I won't go into that now. I would like to ask you a favor. Could you send me an autographed picture signed to me, Angus? I'm going to put pictures of my most inspiring people on my wall where I write to look at when I'm feeling down about trying to make a living as a poet. It's tough sometimes, but lunches like today's make it all worth while.

Thanks again. I hope you like the poem!

Poetry for the people!

Angus O'MannFast-Food Poet

Poem: I Sing a song of Wendy

I Sing a Song of Wendy
A love song by Angus O'Mann, FFP

I sing a song of Wendy:
You're my burger, you're my fry.
Fiery-haired and freckled,
You're the apple of my pie!

Wendy, you do make my food
Your very special way
With the freshest, best ingredients
On each and every day.

Tender, moist and spicy
Is your chicken breast fillet.
Your special spices burn my mouth
A most delightful way.

Your staff is always courteous.
To please me they do try.
They treat each other with respect,
Even the retarded guy.

Wendy, you're my teacher
Of Spanish, and much more.
Cuidado means "be cautious."
Piso Mojado means "wet floor."

Wendy, my own family
Averts their gaze in shame.
You always greet me with a smile
As if you're glad I came.

I sing a song of Wendy:
You're my burger, you're my fry.
Fiery-haired and freckled,
You're the apple of my pie!

Copyright Angus O'Mann, Fast Food Poet
Unauthorized reproduction prohibited

Poem: Get McRich McQuick

Instructions on how to get McRich McQuick!
By fast-food poet Angus O’Mann

Go pour hot coffee right into your lap
Then hire some lawyers to make a big flap.
“Their coffee’s too hot! We couldn’t have known!
What horrors lurked under that styrafoam!”

Your kid is so fat, he’s Pizza the Hut,
A waterbed? No, that’s my teenager’s butt!
He ate all the Big Macs his money could buy
Begged family and friends for McNuggets and pie.

Sue McDonald’s! For Junior is now supersize
From inhaling those myriad burgers and fries!
Sure suing the restaurant seems a bit odd,
But lawyers confirm there’s no way to sue God.

McDonald’s kills moo-cows, their place you should picket
Start class action lawsuits to smite down the wicked!
On a beach in Aruba, you’ll drink some fine scotches
With wealthy Shamu-boys with coffee-stained crotches.

By Fast Food poet Angus O’Mann
Unauthorized reproduction prohibited
© 2002 Angus O’Mann

Poem: The Meal Not Eaten

The Meal not Eaten
for Robert Frosty

Two value meals at the drive-thru board,
And sorry I could not order both
And be one diner, long I sat,
And imagined the one as best I could
And how I’d feel when I was done;

Then ordered the other, just as fair,
And maybe the better one I supposed
Since it had fewer grams of fat
though I still had the fries, and added pie,
But the diet soda made up for that.

And both that day did equally shine
on Duratrans* both bright and gay.
Oh I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing it was offered for a limited time
And available while supplies did last.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two meals appeared on a menuboard,
I took the one and added pie,
And it really made no difference.

* Translucent material used for backlit photographs

Copyright Angus O’Mann, fast-food poet
From "For Whom the Taco Bell Tolls"
Unauthorized reproduction prohibited

Praise for "A Shame"

"His genius is of rare calibur..." Rhyanna

"I loved it... I'm going to read it again and again." Glatt, after reading his first O'Mann

"...most amazing..." Wolf

"I'm impressed..." Lunaephiliac

"I like it, it says it all." Catwoman

"...kick-me-in-the crotch and spit-in-my-face good..." Lookout123

"I really do like Angus and not just because he's going to make me Princess..!" Brianna

As gathered by Beestie:
"Witty, Clever - Fun for the Family" - Variety"
Brilliant Economy of Words" - The New York Times
"Cuts like a Cold Knife on a Hot Day" - The Saint Loius Dispatch
"It Leaves You Begging For More" - The Boston Herald
"Not Since Lennon, I Tell You, Not Since John Lennon" - The Village Voice
"The Wisdom of Twain Meets the Wit of Carrot Top" - The Utne Reader
"You Say Poet Laureate, I Say Poet Hilariot!" - Matt Lauer on Good Morning America

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Praise for O'Mann

"Witty" Queen of the Ryche
"...a drive-by poet laureate." Wolf
"...hard to forget"lookout123
"...Poet laureate... Messiah..." MrNoodle
"i love it!" Jaguar
"This guy is... great!" Brianna

Monday, November 14, 2005

The Ballad of the Cafe Cheezus (Part 1)

The EAT Café was failing since the franchise brands had come
The owner, Harlan, sadly put one bullet in his gun.
His customers had left him after oh-so-many years.
His prayers had fallen unto deaf or nonexistent ears.

The barrel to his temple, he heard a piercing cry.
He ran into the kitchen to the brand new fry cook guy
Who hid his face and shouted Praise! And fell upon the floor
For on a grilled cheese sandwich he’d seen Jesus Christ, our Lord.

Harlan took the sandwich off the grill before he burned it.
He couldn’t see the holy face no matter how he turned it.
The waitresses and customers then saw the sacred bread.
Jesus Crust had come to judge the living and the dead!

Across the town, country and state, the word like fruit jam spread.
The Lord had come a’calling on a piece of frying bread.
The young and old, the shy and bold abandoned work and play
To see the holy sandwich at the local EAT café.

The lowly cook then seized control, though it was his first day.
He told the owner, Harlan Krok, what he should do and say.
He told the crowd to form three lines: Cash, Mastercards & Visas.
Their entry fee included a free t-shirt: “I saw Cheezus!”

The people waited hours in the line both night and day
To kneel before the sandwich and for thirty seconds pray
“I saw his face immediately,” the righteous then would boast.
And proudly show the picture of them with the Holy Toast.

And when the lines grew shorter after many months and weeks
A human cry rang through the sky, the fry cook’s eerie shrieks.
He said he’d had a sighting, and all fell upon their knees
“For one low price you’ll see both Christ and Abraham-N-Cheese!”

They traveled there from many lands, some distant and some odd,
To see the Holy Mackerel and the Glory Be to Cod.
To see the famous Pope Tart and the Passionfruit of Christ.
The armored car came once a day, then started coming twice.

[This is an excerpt from the upcoming book "For Whom the Taco Bell Tolls by Angus O'Mann" Copyright 2005 Angus O'Mann all rights reserved. For information on purchasing an advance copy, please contact Angus O'Mann at]

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