Official site of Fast-Food Poet & Poet Laureate of the Principality of New-Utopia, Angus O'Mann.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Art: Just Five Smurfs







Just Five Smurfs & Emu Balm
Angus O'Mann (private collection)
Mixed media, found objects, spray paint

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Purple Cow - SOLD



Purple Cow

Art: Shooting Poets - SOLD


I Love Shooting Poets
Angus O'Mann
coated paperboard, plastic, marker, poetry
[PRIVATE COLLECTION]

SUBWAY® Ltr #2

Barbara XXXX
Customer Service Representative
Subway/ Doctor’s Associates
Milford, CT 06460


Dear Ms. XXXX:

Thank you very much for your form letter.

I believe that your sorrow at my visit to Subway not being “what [I] expected it to be” is heartfelt. I know this because you say it twice. And, from your vivid description, I can envision the legions of owners, managers, and employees valiantly working together to make each sandwich and salad properly. Your form letter made me reconsider whether my expectations were too high. Could I be, at least partly, at fault for my unrealistic expectations? Poets have been known to fixate on the “ideal” rather than the real, which can be dodgy in the fast-food industry.

So I asked myself: “Would I have complained if I had gone to Subway with the clear expectation that I would bite into his apple pie, only to find out, a short while later, that it was growing two forms of mold? Hmmm….”

While it gives me pause, I don’t believe I would have gone to Subway if I had that expectation. I was operating from the idealized expectation created by your advertising depictions of food that is mold-free.

I am glad to hear you use information like mine to improve your operations. I am very glad that you shared my comments with the regional office in my area and the owner of the Subway restaurant down the road from me now. Could you please send me an update of the actions that have been taken to address the improper food handling and/or storage practices at this SUBWAY® location? I am only aware of the effort that has been put in to contacting the customers who were served mold laden apple pie: none. That amazing effort is only matched for your concern about the person who bit into said apple pie: none.

I shall forward this information to the County Health Inspectors to see if they have more interest in addressing this matter than the franchise owner, the regional office and Doctor’s Associates.

I look forward to sincere form letter number two (“I’m sorry that my response was not what you expected it to be” perhaps?)

Sincerely,

Customer ID: 36405

PS I took your advice and visited your site for complete nutritional information. I looked up the Apple Pie, but you missed one fuzzy green ingredient.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

$14M: Kukoo love

Dear Beloved Angus:

I am happy to hear from you and i have decided to listen to your advise of changing my email ID .

I will like to let you know that it is where i am writing you from now.Always write me here.Please try as much as you can at the same timetry you best to let me know of the position at the bank and with the transfer of my money.

Has the bank transfered the money? If they have let me know please.I have been weak and i have not been able to go there to ask them the position.I beleibve thatyou can tell me the position please and for us to succeed please co operate with them.
Love, Mrs Williams Kokou


My Sweet Williams Kukoo:
I can't believe that you love my poetry and then that you changed your email and took out the "KKK" part the same day that I suggested it. I am not actually used to anyone actually taking me seriously and listening to my advice. Especially a respected woman worth over $14 million dollars. You have changed my life in a most compelling way and touched me in unimaginable places.

I am cursed with a poet's compulsion to create at all costs, even when the subject matter seems trivial or even silly to grown-ups and the end result will bring me not fortune nor fame but ridicule and homelessness. And then you came into my life and it seemed that hope, that thing with feathers, as Emily Dickenson called it, flew back into the open window that is my brain. It is my curse - and just my luck - that a woman who stirs my emotions comes into my life when she is on her deathbed and getting weaker by the minute.

Williams, I am afraid that I may let you down and not be worthy of your trust. My mind is a twittering bird built for poetry, rhyme, distractedness and lunacy. I must confess that I do not have a mind for business or money and I am overwhelmed. I do not want to disappoint you or betray your trust.

I am sorely confused. I have been contacted by two different banks and several people. the first is "Dr Mrs Collette Jean" Do you know who this "Dr Mrs Collette Jean" is and what I am to do with her or him.. Something about Monaco?
Then there's this other person DR MUSTPAH MOHAMMED fom the coite divoire blah blah blah. Is this written in French? I sent him a bunch of stuff including my passport but I got the message below.

I am confused. If you want to find another partner, I understand. Be aware that I am a failure. I have failed at everything I tried except poetry. I do not want to fail you, dear, my love, as you lay dying. Please advise.

Angus


The message:Hi. This is the qmail-send. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses. Error 02373: User's Disk Quota Exceeded. Sorry, your intended recipient has too much mail stored in his mailbox.


Tuesday, July 12, 2005

$14M: re: "wonderful peom"

Dear Brother Angus

thank you for your email.I read all that you said and infact i am very very greatful.Please do not worry as i have contacted the bank and they said that my money is complete that it was just a typographical erro and as such they have rectified everything.

Please do your best for me as i am waiting to hear from that bank that the money has been transfer and to hear from you too that the money has come into your bank account.Please keep our transaction totally confidential and do not tell anyone about this please as this is for the saftey of my life and for the saftey of the money which is my only hope.

Let me hear from you now.

Love
Mrs Williams Kokou


Dear Brother Angus OMann
Thank you for your email and for your wonderful peom i read it over and over again before i went to bed this night.Please you have a loving heart and i beleive you will help me too.May God BLess you.
My Love
Mrs Williams Kokou

Monday, July 11, 2005

$14M: (poem) Ivory Ghost

MY DEAREST BELOVETH ANGUS:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR DELIGHTFUL EMAIL TO ME.I AM HAPPY BEYOUND MY IMAGINATION THAT YOU WROTE TO ME AND THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO ASSIST ME.

MY GOD WILL BLESS YOU.I HAVE COME TO TRUST YOU AND TO KNOW THAT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO MANAGE MY MONEY.I WILL BE TELLING MY BANK THAT I AM STATISFIED THAT YOU CAN MANAGE MY MONEY VERY WELL AND I WILL BE INTRODUCING YOU OFFICALLY TODAY AS MY FORIEGN PARTNER AND THE FORIEGN BENEFICARY OF THE FUNDS THEY ARE ABOUT TO TRANSFER AND THEY SHOULD TRANSFER THE FUNDS TO YOUR NAME.

YOU WILL HAVE TO PROVE THAT YOU CAN BE ABLE TO MANAGE MY MONEY VERY WELL AS YOU WILL HAVE TO PROVE THIS TO MY BANK.YOU HAVE GIVEN ME CONFIDENCE AND TRUST.ALREADY I HAVE FORWARDED YOU BANK ACCOUNT PARTICULARS TO MY BANK TODAY AND THEY SAID THAT THEY WILL BE WRITING YOU.I WILL LIKE TO KNOW WHEN THE CONTACT YOU SO THAT I WILL KNOW WHEN THE MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.

MY BANK HAS INFORMED ME THAT THE TRANSFER WILL TAKE ONLY 3 BANKING DAYS FOR THE MONEY TO BE TRANSFERED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.I LOOK FORWARD TO THE COMMENSEMENT OF THIS TRANSFER ONCE MY BANK CONTACTS YOU PLEASE KINDLY CONTACT THEM BACK AND DO WHAT YOU ARE TOLD TO DO SO THAT THE MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.

ONCE TO COMMENSE THE TRANSFER.

LOVE
MRS WILLIAMS KOKOU


Mrs. Kukoo, my benefactor:

I have begun work on a poetic tribute to your husband. It is only a draft, but please tell me what you think of it so far. I will change it if you wish.

The Ivory Ghost

Mr. Williams Kukoo
Was a contractor bold
He was the finest contractor
On the Ivory Coast I'm told.

But jealous were his rivals
(Kukoo'd made ten million bucks)
They poisoned Williams Kukoo
And he died (which really sucks).

He left behind a baby boy.
He left behind a girl.
He left behind a loving wife.
When he gave up this world.

Kukoo had been born again
In total, was born twice.
(It's weird you can only die once.)
I hear that heaven's nice.

Though tragic be this story
There is reason in God's plan.
Mama Williams's giving
Fourteen-million to O'Mann.

He'll write the finest poetries
Of the Williams Family Ghosts
The kindest folks ever to email
From the Ivory Coast.

They subsidized a stranger
And made his dreams come true.
So have faith in the Lord
And always check your email too.


copyright Angus O'Mann, Poet Laureate

Sunday, July 10, 2005

$14M: Need particulars

Dear Brother Angus OMann
Thank you for your lovely peom and letter to me.I am happy to hear from you but i want to let you know that if you do not SEND TO ME YOUR BANK ACCOUNT PARTICULARS Brother Angus nothing will be done and the money wont be transfered and niether will you book be lunched as you want it to be.

I want you to send to me a detail copy of your bank account particulars so that i can give it to my bank to commence the transfer as time is no longer on our side due to my bad health.

Mrs Williams Kokou


Mrs. Williams Kukoo:

I am so glad you loved my poem! I have decided that I will call you "benefactor." That is from the Roman "bene" meaning "good" and "Factor" meaning "Thing to happen to me."

Here is my bank information. Transfer away!

Angus

Blue Ball National Bank

Address:1060 Main Street, PO Box 580, Blue Ball, PA 17506
Contact: Mary Contrary
Phone: 717-xxx-xxxx
Fax: 717-xxx-xxxx
Account Name: Angus O'Mann
Account #: xxx xxxx x
Routing #: xxxxxxxxx

Friday, July 08, 2005

$14M: Poem sent

[Notefrom AOM: Mama Williams Kukoo, by benefactor who has pledged $14M in funding to support my work, emailed her photo, photo of her children, her late husband's hospital record, death cert. and photo of him lying in state. I will post as a tribute a bit at a time..]

mama williams wrote:

DEAREST BELOVED ANGUS:

MY GOD WILL BLESS YOU.I HAVE COME TO TRUST YOU AND TO KNOW THAT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO MANAGE MY MONEY. I WILL BE TELLING MY BANK THAT I AM STATISFIED THAT YOU CAN MANAGE MY MONEY VERY WELL AND I WILL BE INTRODUCING YOU OFFICALLY TODAY AS MY FORIEGN PARTNER AND THE FORIEGN BENEFICARY OF THE FUNDS THEY ARE ABOUT TO TRANSFER AND THEY SHOULD TRANSFER THE FUNDS TO YOUR NAME.

FOR THE POEM YOU CAN CHOOSE WHAT EVER NAME YOU LOVE FOR ME AS I MA HERE WITH YOU INS SPIRIT. YOU CAN SEND THE POEM TO ME NOW AS I LOVE TO READ IT.

ALREADY I HAVE FORWARDED YOU PARTICULARS TO MY BANK TODAY AND THEY SAID THAT THEY WILL BE WRITING YOU. I WILL LIKE TO KNOW WHEN THE CONTACT YOU SO THAT I WILL KNOW WHEN THE MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. MY BANK HAS INFORMED ME THAT THE TRANSFER WILL TAKE ONLY 3 BANKING DAYS FOR THE MONEY TO BE TRANSFERED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.

I WAIT IN GOOD SPIRIT FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE AND TO HEAR FROM YOU. GOD BLESS YOU AGAIN AND FOREVER. CAN YOU FORWARD TO ME YOUR BANK ACCOUNT PARTICULARS SO THAT I CAN GIVE IT TO MY BANK TO TRANSFER THE MONEY.

LOVE, MRS WILLIAMS KOKOU

Dear beloved Mama Williams Kukoo:

I was touched and moved by the photos and death certificates and hospital reports you sent me. I still have not been able to look at all of them (only 24 hours in a day, etc. and I'm busy getting my books ready for when I receive your $14 million funding for my publishing initiative).

The first book that I will publish with your generous financial support is titled "For Whom the Taco Bell Tolls." It is a collection of my first and some of my best fast food poems. While it is not strictly a Christian poetry book, Christians like us believ that God is everywhere and in everything, which would include fast food. So the embodiment of Christ will be present throughout, including the ink and the paper and glue.

As you seemed sad, I thought I would cheer you up with a warm, touching and humorous poem that will be included in "For Whom the Taco Bell Tolls." I originally wrote it for Jack Greenburg, CEO of McDonald's Corp. who, unfortunately, got fired before he could make me Poet Laureate of McDonald's, then died of a heart attack before we could launch a fast-food poetry joint-venture together. My luck goes that way sometimes.

Let me know what you think of the poem!

Angus O'Mann
Fast-food Poet

Poem written while watching a kid and his dad at Mickey D's

I'll eat the burger
And half of the fries
It's your Happy Meal (TM)
So you get the prize.


copyright Angus O'Mann, FFP. Unauthorized reproduction or transmission prohibited.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

$14M funding update (1)

mama williams wrote:

Dearest Beloved One,

Thank you for your email. I urge you not be be annoyed with me that i did not respond to your questions earlier before this is because i though you careful read my very first email to you carefully.

I will like to tell you that this is not what you think as this is not a fraud and at the same time you should know that no woman will lie with the death of her loved one how much more to accord such a terrible sickness and misfortune to her self.

Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the period of nine months due to cancer problem.The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.

Already i have approved you to be the person the money is going to be transfed to since i am not going to leave any more and at the same time i have already introduced you to my bank as my foriegn beneficary officailly and i want to transfer all the money to you.

The urgency in requesting for your details is for the fact that i do not have time anymore here to stay on earth due to my ill health and that is the reason why i need to transfer the money out fast before i die.Can you please forward at once to me you

BANK ACCOUNT PARTICULARS
YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBERS
YOUR BANK ADDRESS
YOUR BANK TELEPHONE NUMBERS AND FAX NUMBERS

This is for my bank to transfer the money urgently to you.Giving the money to you as a Christian will help me fulfill my dream which i am unable to acomplish due to my short time of stay here.

Please remember that all christain should love one another as the holy Book says love your neighbour as your self and with love all is conqured.You can help me and my children with the money you i will be transfering into your account when i am no more . I have forwarded to you all that you need to know .
I will be waiting to hear from you to know my faith.May God Bless you
Love
Mrs Williams Kokou


My Dearest Mama Kukoo:

I am confused by your email below. I am excited that you want to fund my poetry project and help me publish my life's work. You are the best! How could I be annoyed with you?

I am so sad you are dying because the world needs more people like you. I asked Jesus why he would take someone so good like you, instead of the evil greedy people who are harrassing me for past due payments? Why can't he call them home? But he said he'd have to get back to me, he had another call.

I did not accuse you of fraud. Why did you think that? I just want to know how many of my poems you would like me to send you, and whether you want to be called "Patron" or "benefactor" on the first page of my book dedication. Please let me know.

I am assembling the information you requested and will send it when I hear from you next! Thanks again! God bless!

Angus O'Mann,
Fast Food Poet
Poet Laureate of New-Utopia

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

O'Mann to receive $14M bequest

TO: Angus O'Mann
FROM: Mrs. Williams Kokou
SUBJECT: Dear beloved one

Dearest Beloved One,

Perhaps this would go down as the most difficult letter i will ever attempt to right in my life. I am not sure that it will adequately conveys the remorse I feel at this moment how do I begin my story? How do I tell this story without shedding tears Tears of sorrow Oh God I think you for giving me this opportunity to air my view and to share this story with some one.

I am Mrs. Williams Kokou from Ivory Coast. I was married toMr.Late Mr Wiliams Kokou who was a contractor with thegovernment of Cote D'Ivoire before he died in the year 2003after few days in the hospital.The doctor said his deathwas as a result of poison.We were married for so many years with two small children agirl of 4yrs and a baby boy of 1 year. Before his death wewere both born again Christian. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of$14.500 Million with a Bank in Cote D lvoire. Presently thismoney is still in the custody of the Bank in Cote D lvoire. Recently, my Doctor told me that it is very likely i willdie within the next nine months due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to achurch,organization or good person that will utilize thismoney the way I am going to instruct here in.I want a church,organization or good person that will usethis fund for orphanages, widows and other people that needhelp and also propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of God is maintained.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank in Cote d' lvoire. I will also issue a letter of authorization to the bank that will prove you the present beneficiary of this money. Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another good person, church, organization for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your response immedaitely. Thanks and Remain blessed in the Lord. l remain yours sister in Christ.

Mrs. Williams Kokou.

Dear Mrs. Kukoo:

Thank you for your touching letter. I am so sorry to hear you only have nine months to live due to cancer problem. I am happy that you are like I am: A born again Christian. I know that dying is hard (I have actually died twice before but was rescuscitated both times. The second time I was there so long I actually was introduced to me rommmate. Nice fellow). But know that there is an afterlife - I have seen it - and each of us will be rewarded or punished based on how we lived our lives. Those who cheat their fellow man will be in for a shock in the next life!

Still I weep for you. I do not know if I am the man to help you. I am a poet. The Lord has called me to glorify the world and his works, even the most mundane, like fast food, with my words. My goal is to raise enough money to publish my own religious poetry books and some day publish the poetry of others as well.

Would helping me with my Christian poetry business fit with your desires for the $14 million dollars you need help giving away?

Please let me know, yes or no. If no I understand. But I want to be honest with you. I am not interested in taking money then using it for some other purpose, like gambling and prostitutes or my own fruit smoothie machine, just because the donor (excuse the term) "kicked the bucket," as they say.

Thank you for your email. I wish we had met before you were dying. You sound like a very nice lady. Your husband was a lucky man. (At least until he got poisoned).

Yours in Jesus,

Angus O'Mann, Fast Food Poet
Poet Laureate of the Principality of New-Utopia

Christan Penticostal Mission InternationalTrenchville,Abidjan,Cote D'IvoireWest Africa.

Dearest beloved Angus O'Mann,

Thank you so much for your loving letter and your accepting to assist me.Iam happy and may God bless you in abondance.I am happy and because i donot have anywere to go to. Your letter have put so much hope in me. As a matter of fact i really prayed and fasted to God after which the good God led me to you as the rightful person to assist me in this transaction and such do not entertain any atom of fear i am always with you as regardsto the poet you mentioned i will wish you to go ahead and use the moneyfor whatever you wishes to as long as the name of the lord is being glorify.

However the money involved is $14.5million us dollars Please all you have to do for me now is to help me is just to send to meyour account particulars so that I will be able to give it to my bank tocommense the transfer.Please this account particulars you will be sendingto me should havethe following.YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBERSYOUR BANKS ADDRESS AND TELEPHONE NUMBERS AND FAX NUMBERSYOUR PRIVATE PARTICULARSYOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE NUMBERSYOUR PRIVATE FAX NUMBERSYOUR CONTACT ADDRESS.

Note:The 20% which we promise to give you will be different as it is for your assistance alone.Please I plead to you to keep this between me and you because i am afriadof people to know that a young woman of my type inherited such hugeamount.Please find attached is the copy of all the bank documents andinformations and picture in respect to my claims so that you may see i am not a person of diminished responsibility.My Life and that of my children is at stake and i know what it means as aparent and my heart goes out to them. I am now hyperintensive and ill as i write this mail because of the excessive pressures that i have had toface.Hope to hear from you soon to enable me finalize this in time so thatiwill be with you soon, Thanks and God bless you and your family for helping my life.I shall wait to hear from you as soon as possible tocomplete this transaction. Yours sincerely, Mrs Williams Kokou


Beloved Ms. Kukoo:

So you do approve that I use the money to fund my series of poetry books that deal with the struggles of a Christian and his relationship to his God and fast food? Would you like to review the poetry itself or the titles? Would you like to be named as "Patron" or "Benefactor" or "Publisher" of these books?

I have tears in my eyes from the faith you put in me!

Please let me know if this is acceptable, which title you would like and how many poems you would like me to send you to review.

I will prepare the information you have requested.

Do you have a picture of yourself you can send?

God bless you again. I will be honored to include a poem in your honor!

Angus O'Mann

Friday, July 01, 2005

First Letter to SUBWAY®

Mr. Fred DeLuca
President
SUBWAY® Franchise Headquarters
325 Bic Drive
Milford, CT 06460 USA Friday, July 01, 2005

Dear Mr. DeLuca:

I see on your website that you were recently inducted into the International Franchise Association’s Hall of Fame. Congratulations! It also states that you have opened nearly 24,000 Restaurants in 82 Countries. That’s a great accomplishment, but also a great responsibility. The health of a great many people are in the hands of your restaurant operators.

You are marketing on a platform of freshness and health, and that is why a great number of poets, fast food and those with other specialties, eat at SUBWAY®. That expectation of freshness makes the incident that occurred yesterday very distressing to the entire literary community.

Hungry after a full morning of rhyming and alliteration, I visited the local SUBWAY® around 12:30 in the afternoon and bought a sandwich to take back to my “Emporium.” I also bought an apple pie. Luckily, I was full from my sandwich and only took one small bite from the pie while it was still in the cardboard holder. I decided to wrap it in plastic and put it in the refrigerator. I slid it out of the cardboard box to discover that it had a wide web of what I guess is mold across it, and one fuzzy patch of blue/green mold. It was disgusting. I took a picture of it, then wrapped it in plastic and have enclosed it in this envelope for you and your food scientist people to bring it into the lab for a “work-up.”

The fast-food gods were smiling on me, and kept me from eating that pie which I’m sure would have made me sick. What concerns me is the fact that, to my knowledge, mold like this on a prepared preserved product like your apple pies doesn’t happen quickly. As a fast-food poet, my gut tells me that there must be some blatant food mishandling and improper storage practices in your units for this to happen. Additionally, there were no markings or freshness codes that would indicate to the staff or customers when this product was prepared, and for how long it could be safely sold to the public.

I hope you will look into this matter immediately and get back to me with the reasons for this unsafe situation, and what is being done to correct it. My phone number is included here so you can get in touch.

Thank you,

Angus O’Mann
Fast-food poet
Poet Laureate of the Principality of New-Utopia

 
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